It was the last leg of my journey in Chna as I boarded the twenty-five hour train ride to my final destination en route to fly back to America. I had been on the train for fifteen hours already, it was around 3 a.m., and I was sitting on my bunk as wide awake as I could possibly be. On the other hand, it was a nice change of pace, as my mode of transportation up to this point had mostly been on uncomfortable, smoke-filled buses traversing some of the craziest roads I’ve ever been on; but thats only if you want to call them roads. I was now aboard a sleeper train with fairly comfortable beds, but I absolutely could not fall asleep.
What to do?
I began to ask myself the question, “Why is it that I feel the times God wanting to speak to me the most are almost always during the times when I’m desperately trying to fall asleep but I can’t?” This was the second time that I remember something like this happening. I thought back to the last time I was wide awake at this time of the morning, and I remembered how clearly God wanted to speak to me. Yet, I just did not know how to respond. All I wanted to do was to be sleeping, because after all, at 3 a.m. it makes much more sense to be asleep. Or does it?
That depends.
For me, I know that there are times in my life that God is desperately trying to get my attention, yet sometimes I tend to completely miss Him. When I think about my life, I think of chaos. I seem to always find something to occupy my time, and that time rarely involves time with God. As a college student, life is always so busy and there seems to be zero time for God, or either it’s the allotted time that we set for Him each day. I seem to get so caught up in the fast lane of life, and it seems to take control over all of my time. It seems every day there is always something consuming my time, there is so much to get done, and it’s as if the time we spend with Him is only the time that is left after everything else is finished. Then again, most days the time never seems to be there, and one more day goes by that I miss the time that God wants to meet with me.
I feel like I’m running circles around God. I wonder why my life is so confusing and chaotic. I begin to think that God isn’t even there sometimes, and if He is it doesn’t really feel like it. It’s like I’m a dog chasing my own tail. I really do want to draw closer to God but there’s always something that seems to get in the way. I seek after God and expect Him to show up on my own terms. When I do this I fail to really seek after God with my whole heart, and the times that He wants to speak to me I’m not ready or willing to listen.
So why was I wide awake at 3 a.m. in the morning? Maybe God wanted to speak to me. Actually, I know God wanted to speak to me. I began to seek after Him, I listened, and it turned out to be a very special time with God. It was an incredible experience to end an incredible summer.
I learned a valuable lesson that night. It is found in Jeremiah 29:13. It says, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” No matter what’s going on in life, no matter how tough life seems to be, no matter what time of the day – seek God with your whole heart. There’s no compromise. God does not need to be worked into our life. Our lives need to be fully centered around Him. How much longer are we going to run circles around God, failing to realize that He is really there, pursuing us. How much longer are we going to go failing to grab a hold of those moments that God wants to meet with us, and the times that God wants to speak to us? I have come to realize that these moments have been the most special times of my life, the moments where it’s just me and God, and I do not ever want to miss them.
More updates to come from the experiences that I had this summer, so don’t be a stranger.
